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We had friends over for the Super Bowl. Our children are almost perfectly matched up: two 11-year-olds, two nine-year-olds, and two four-year-olds. It doesn’t matter how calm the evening has been; without fail, no matter what, this is how dessert goes:

The four-year-olds (who didn’t eat any dinner but received several warnings that they would not get to eat dessert until they ate some dinner) complain or try to sneak dessert because everyone else is eating it, and it’s unfair that they can’t have some. 

The nine-year-olds argue over who gets to pick the dessert first or gets the better/bigger piece because they ate more dinner, ate their dinner faster, just won the game, and the list goes on and on.

The 11-year-olds wait for the chaos to end and help themselves to what is left.

This happens every single time we are together, and I didn’t understand why until I read this fascinating bit of research:

Turiel (2008) points out that children’s ideas about fairness and justice change across middle childhood. Younger children view fairness in terms of equality — everyone should get the same amount or be treated in the same way. By age 8 or 9, they introduce ideas based on merit – the child who has done a good thing or has worked very hard deserves more rewards than the child who has not. Older children, 10-and 11-year-olds, continue to believe in merit, but add in the idea of benevolence – those who are coping with disadvantage deserve extra support.

This bit of research changes everything for me during that dessert rush. The fours need to see that the others ate their dinner. Their plates are empty, so they get dessert. Your plates are still full. The middles may need to play a quick Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot game to decide who gets to pick first. And we can be thankful that our oldest children realize their younger siblings get the edge on first picks because they are younger.

While this research works to explain dessert chaos, it can also help us understand our children when they are acting in a way that seems out of character. Why is your six-year-old crying about not having something a friend has, even though he has never wanted that before? Why is it so important for your nine-year-old to actually win the game? Why isn’t your 11-year-old upset that a classmate was given extra time on a test? It is all developmental. Giving in to these developmental milestones isn’t giving in; it is understanding what your child is going through. Understanding what our children are going through can help us regulate our emotions. Suddenly, dessert chaos can seem less chaotic and a bit more enjoyable.