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It is no secret that I have three probably over-scheduled kids. I often think about how, when I was younger, after-school playdates felt completely normal. Now the thought of squeezing one in on a weekday feels almost laughable. How did we ever have time for that?
What feels even crazier is when I talk with my own kids about including new students or building friendships, they confidently tell me they already “hang out” with their friends all the time. What? When? As their full-time Uber driver, I was deeply confused by this claim.

So I pushed a little.

Their explanation? They play video games together, FaceTime, and chat in group texts.

I tried to explain that a playdate means physically being with another child. They looked at me like I was the one who needed help. And while I eventually gave up on winning that argument with my children, I stumbled into a bigger realization. My kids are having all of these “playdates,” and the uncomfortable truth is that many of them are happening without me supervising in the way I would if those same children were sitting in my kitchen.

When I had friends over, or when I was at a friend’s house, we were in the kitchen, the playroom, the backyard, or maybe upstairs with the bedroom door wide open. We had very little privacy. I am sure we still got away with things, but if we were prank-calling someone or being less than kind, a parent could easily overhear, step in, and shut it down. They supervised from a distance, but they still supervised.

When I measured that against the way I supervise these “online playdates,” and even typing that phrase makes me a little uncomfortable, I realized that even knowing how important supervision is, I have let this area slide more than I would like to admit.

I am not actively watching as a group chat starts to unravel through typing on a screen. The iPads are not attached to the kitchen wall where I can casually overhear a FaceTime conversation while making dinner. And yes, when video games are going with a voice chat open on a nearby device, I catch the occasional sound bite, but it still feels very different from two children sitting shoulder to shoulder in the same room.

That realization sent me back to one of my go-to voices on parenting and technology, Jonathan Haidt. His guidance for children ages 6 to 12 is practical and grounding.

Keep devices in common areas and learn how to use parental controls and content filters on every digital device in your home, including Fire Sticks and smart TVs. Tech companies know exactly how to keep children hooked, so parents need to know how to push back.

Focus less on obsessing over total screen hours and more on maximizing in-person activity and sleep. That one really stayed with me. It is often easier to fill children’s lives with meaningful, real-world experiences than it is to constantly battle over screens. I read that as a personal reminder that in-person playdates still matter. If weekdays are impossible due to sports (in-person activities) and schedules, maybe the answer is to make more room on weekends. Not only does that naturally reduce screen time, but it also gives us more chances to observe how our children interact with others.

And most importantly, talk openly about the risks. If children are old enough to use FaceTime or join a group chat, they are old enough to understand that texts can be screenshot, photos can be shared, and words said online can travel far beyond their intended audience.

Supervise digital interactions the same way you would supervise a playdate in your home. If your child had a kitchen full of friends and the conversation turned unkind, inappropriate, or unsafe, you would step in. The same should be true when the playdate is happening through a screen. If you hear something, say something. If you see something, say something. Stay close enough to notice.

Because while childhood may now include FaceTime calls, group chats, and virtual gaming sessions, kids still need the same thing they always have: adults who are paying attention.

Apparently, the modern version of good parenting is part chauffeur, part detective, part tech support, and part emotional support hotline. I miss the days when supervision just meant listening from the kitchen. But if this is where childhood friendships live now, then I guess we pull up a chair, keep one ear open, and remind ourselves that the kitchen is not gone, it just has Wi-Fi now.