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I’m reading a fantastic book right now, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People by David Yeager. I’m deep into Chapter 6, “Questioning.” I’ve listened to it on Audible so many times that my car probably knows the words by heart. Then I go back to my Kindle to reread the parts that make me think, “Oh, that’s exactly where I go wrong!”

Let me replay two familiar scenes from my life.

Scene One: The Head of Lower School
A child has made a poor choice. We’re sitting together in my office, side by side. I look at them and gently ask, “Why did you do this?” I truly want to understand. But more often than not, I get the classic response: “I don’t know,” followed by a shrug. I try again, probing a little deeper, but usually not much more comes out. It’s as if the child is as surprised by their behavior as I am.

Scene Two: The Parent
Now picture me at home. My own kids, ages 6, 11, and 13, have done any number of things that make me raise my voice and say, “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” This version of the question sounds a little less gentle and a lot more real. You can probably guess what comes next: the blank stare, the dramatic stomp up the stairs, maybe even a slammed door for punctuation.

In both situations, I’m asking the same question. One with compassion, one with exasperation. And in both cases, I get nowhere.

Enter Chapter 6.

Yeager talks about something called authentic questioning. It’s the idea that true curiosity, asking a question when you genuinely don’t know the answer, opens the door for real reflection. Kids (and adults) can sense when someone is truly interested in understanding them versus when we’re just fishing for the answer we already expect.

When I ask, “Why did you do that?” I’ve already filled in the blanks: You were mad. You were frustrated. You were jealous. But what if, instead, I asked, “What pushed you to do that?” That’s a question I don’t know the answer to, and it signals that I’m actually curious.

Yeager also describes a simple technique called mirroring. It’s a way to keep a conversation going without adding judgment or advice. You just repeat the last few words the other person says, with a question mark.

Example:
Adult: What pushed you to do that?
Child: My friend just wouldn’t stop.
Adult: Wouldn’t stop?
Child: Yeah, I told them I didn’t like it, but they said it anyway.
Adult: Said it anyway?
Child: Yes, they said I’m a slow runner and laughed at me.
Adult: Laughed at you?

And on it goes. Simple. Gentle. Powerful.

By asking questions we’re actually curious about, we help our children process their choices and feelings, all without telling them what to think or do. As Yeager says, we can end with a “serving question,” something like, “Did that action serve your goal?”

The answer, more often than not, is a quiet, “No. Now I feel worse.”

And just like that, growth happens, not from lecturing but from listening.

Now if I can just remember that the next time someone spills a smoothie in the back seat or leaves a wet towel on my bed. I’ll take a deep breath, channel Chapter 6, and calmly ask, “What pushed you to do that?”

(Though, full disclosure, there’s still a chance I might follow it up with a slightly less academic, “Seriously?!”)