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Last week, Mr. Simmons wrote about how, for students and teachers, the new year doesn’t really begin on January 1. It starts on September 1. That feels true in my house, too. With each new school year, I find myself setting goals, not just for my own time management (“This is the year I’ll pack lunches the night before!”), but also hopes and dreams for my kids.

You probably know the list: less screen time, more family dinners, more ownership over chores, and an enthusiastic love of learning (at least for my younger two; my oldest takes after me). And if you’re smiling right now, it’s probably because you know what’s coming next: these are my goals, not my children’s. Which means my success rate ranges from “moderate” to “not at all.”

So, I turned to the research on motivation to see how I might better align my children’s goals with my own dreams for them.

Enter Dr. Ellen Braate, who quickly set me straight. She writes: “The most common mistake is that parents’ expectations are formed without having an accurate view of their child’s interests… and it’s probably because their own expectations get in the way.”

Shoot. Guilty as charged.

I read on, anticipating that she would offer a solution. She did. Braate reminds us that motivating young children is relatively easy, whereas motivating older children is trickier. For them, motivation depends on three things:

• Aptitude – their ability to do the task
• Pleasure – whether they enjoy doing the task
• Practice – the chance to improve through repetition

Sound familiar? It’s a lot like last year’s blog on intelligence, aptitude, and expertise, just framed through the lens of motivation.

Braate suggests parents look at these three areas together, almost like a Venn diagram. Where aptitude, pleasure, and practice overlap, you’ll find your child’s personal strengths. And those strengths, she says, are the secret sauce for motivation.

It’s tempting, of course, to want our children to excel in the things we loved (or wish we had loved) growing up: sports, friendships, music, academics. But if those things aren’t currently their strengths, pushing too hard often backfires. At the same time, there are non-negotiables, like learning to read or mastering math facts, that every child needs. The trick is to use the Venn diagram to make those essentials more motivating.

For example, my middle child has a gift for engaging younger children, loves everything about soccer, and never tires of practicing. If he needed motivation to read, I might hand him soccer stories to read aloud to his younger sister. My youngest, on the other hand, is happiest in the kitchen. She loves cooking, loves making people happy, and has a knack for both. Since she’s just beginning to read and still strengthening her math skills, doubling a cookie recipe with me lets her do both, while keeping the peace when her brother and dad argue over who gets more.

Braate calls this the Parent APP: Aptitude, Pleasure, Practice. Next time you find yourself wondering why you “can’t motivate your child to do anything,” try opening this APP instead. It may just help you and your child find the motivation sweet spot.

After all, September is the real new year. Maybe the resolution isn’t about making our children fit our goals, but about helping them discover the joy in their own.